empathy Archives - Glory in Growth

The Unseen Pull: How Trauma and Empathy Can Attract Toxicity—And How to Stop It

Do you ever feel like, no matter what you do, trouble keeps finding you? It’s as if you’re minding your own business, trying to avoid drama, but somehow, toxic people or situations seem to gravitate toward you anyway. If this sounds all too familiar, you’re not alone—and more importantly, it’s not your fault. In many cases, this frustrating pattern is a result of two powerful forces working together: trauma and empathy. When these collide, they can unintentionally pull you into negativity, even when you’re doing your best to avoid it.

Let’s take a closer look at how this happens, and more importantly, how you can turn the tide.

Trauma and the Familiarity of Toxicity

For anyone who has experienced trauma—whether it was emotional abuse, neglect, or another painful experience—something strange happens. Toxicity can start to feel normal. It’s not because you want it to be. It’s just that, over time, your brain begins to associate harmful behavior with familiarity. You may not even realize it, but when toxic situations arise, part of you may unconsciously recognize it as something you’ve dealt with before. And when your brain knows something, it’s more likely to repeat it.

It’s not that you’re seeking out negativity; it’s more that your trauma has wired your brain to expect it. You might find yourself stuck in the same types of relationships or situations over and over again, even as you try your hardest to avoid them.

What’s even more challenging is that unresolved trauma can make it harder to spot red flags. When you’ve been conditioned to accept bad treatment in the past, you might second-guess yourself, wondering, Is this really that bad? You might even start to believe that you’re the problem.

But let me tell you—you’re not the problem. You’re navigating through a complex web of past wounds, and it’s possible to heal from that.

Empathy: A Gift and a Challenge

Empathy is one of those qualities we often celebrate—being able to deeply understand and feel what others are going through is a powerful thing. But for those of us who are highly empathetic, it can also be a bit of a double-edged sword. You see, empaths naturally pick up on the emotions and energies of people around them. While this sensitivity makes you deeply compassionate, it also means you might feel responsible for helping others, even when it drains you.

Toxic people tend to pick up on that. They’re drawn to empaths because they know you’ll offer kindness and support, even if it costs you your own well-being. This can make setting boundaries really tough. It’s hard to walk away from someone when you can feel their pain, even if it’s clear they’re not treating you well.

Empathy is a gift, but without boundaries, it can become exhausting. If you’re constantly picking up other people’s emotional baggage, it leaves little room for your own emotional well-being. And that can make you more vulnerable to being drawn into toxic situations.

Trauma and Empathy: The Perfect Storm

Now, when trauma and empathy intersect, it creates a particularly challenging dynamic. Many trauma survivors develop heightened empathy because, in the past, they had to be. They needed to learn how to sense the moods of an abusive parent, an unstable environment, or a volatile relationship just to survive.

That heightened empathy, which once served as a survival tool, doesn’t just go away. Instead, it can carry into adulthood, leaving you hyper-aware of the emotions and needs of others. On the surface, this might sound like a good thing—after all, who doesn’t want to be more empathetic? But when empathy is paired with unresolved trauma, it becomes a bit more complicated.

Here’s the thing: When you’re both empathetic and a trauma survivor, you might find yourself drawn to relationships where you can “fix” the other person. You might believe that your empathy and care can help heal their wounds. Unfortunately, this often leads to situations where you’re giving and giving, but the other person isn’t giving back. Worse, they might even take advantage of your kindness.

It’s easy to end up in relationships where you feel like it’s your job to heal someone else, even when they’re causing you harm. And because trauma survivors often question their own judgment, you might stick around longer than you should, thinking, If I just try harder, things will get better.

But let me stop you right there: It’s not your job to fix someone else. You deserve relationships where your empathy is valued, not exploited.

When Toxicity Feels Like the Norm

For many people with trauma, toxicity becomes the norm. If you’re used to chaos or dysfunction, healthy relationships can feel strange—maybe even uncomfortable. Sometimes, we end up excusing or ignoring harmful behavior because it’s what we’ve always known.

You might think, I must be doing something wrong. Why does this keep happening to me? But let me be clear: It’s not about what you’re doing. It’s about what your past has taught you to expect.

The good news? You can absolutely break free from this cycle. It starts with recognizing that these patterns aren’t your fault—and that you have the power to change them.

Breaking the Cycle: How to Protect Yourself

If this is sounding a little too familiar, don’t worry. You’re not stuck in this pattern forever. Here’s how you can start to protect yourself and move toward healthier relationships:

Recognize Your Patterns: The first step is understanding how your trauma and empathy may be playing a role in your current relationships. Once you see the pattern, you can start to change it.
Learn to Set Boundaries: Setting boundaries can be tough, especially if you’re used to prioritizing other people’s needs over your own. But boundaries are essential in protecting your emotional energy. It’s okay to say “no” and protect your peace.
Surround Yourself with Supportive People: Healthy relationships are out there! Seek out people who respect your boundaries and support your healing. The more you surround yourself with people who uplift you, the easier it becomes to recognize toxicity when it arises.
Heal from Within: Healing from trauma takes time, and it’s important to be patient with yourself. Therapy, self-care, and personal growth are key to moving forward. As you heal, you’ll start to trust your instincts more and feel stronger in setting limits with others.
Trust Your Gut: You have a powerful inner voice that knows when something doesn’t feel right. Trust that. Don’t let your empathy or your past experiences silence that intuition. If something feels off, it probably is.

A New Chapter of Empowerment

It’s easy to feel like trouble is something you can’t escape, but that’s not your destiny. Yes, trauma and empathy can make you more vulnerable to toxic situations—but they also give you the tools to rise above them. By recognizing how your past has shaped your present, you can take back your power and create the life and relationships you deserve.

You’re not here to fix everyone else. You’re here to live your life, surrounded by people who value and cherish the beautiful, empathetic soul that you are. So, let’s break the cycle together. You’re stronger than you know—and you absolutely have the power to thrive.

Down for You: The Healing Power of Trust in Love

Have you ever felt like love was just out of reach? Like your past trauma made it impossible to find someone who could truly understand and support you? You’re not alone. When we’ve been hurt, trusting again can feel impossible—but love, real love, has the power to heal those wounds. In their song “Trust,” Keyshia Cole and Monica sing about a love that can carry you through emotional baggage, one that says, “I know you’ve been through a lot, but I’m here to stay.”

But what does that kind of love look like? How do we know if someone in our lives is capable of loving us through our vulnerabilities, past pain, and the trust issues we carry with us? And how can we recognize a trauma-informed relationship—one that embraces emotional availability, secure attachment, and the willingness to engage in the hard work of emotional labor and co-regulation?

In this article, we’ll break down the key signs of a truly supportive and healing love, referencing expert insights from bell hooks, Esther Perel, and others. We’ll explore how “Trust” reflects the depth of emotional care needed for those of us still healing, and offer practical examples of what to look for in a partner who can be there for you—even when the going gets tough.

**The Healing Power of Love: What Trust Teaches Us About Trauma-Informed Relationships**

The opening lines of “Trust”—“Let me be the one who can take you from all the things you’ve seen”—speak directly to what it means to offer secure attachment in a relationship. For those of us who have been through trauma, the act of trusting again often feels overwhelming. But the love that Keyshia Cole and Monica sing about is rooted in patience, understanding, and a commitment to emotional safety.

A trauma-informed relationship is one where both partners recognize each other’s emotional wounds and navigate them with care. bell hooks, in All About Love, writes that “real love is a combination of trust, respect, care, and knowledge.” This kind of love is more than an emotion—it’s a practice of emotional labor and empathy that builds trust through everyday acts of care.

In the song, the lyrics “I know you’ve seen a lot of things in your life, got you feeling like this can’t be right. I won’t hurt you, I’m down for you baby” reflect a fundamental aspect of secure attachment—the ability to offer reassurance and safety in the face of doubt and fear. Love, in this context, is about staying, showing up, and being there when someone needs you most.

Understanding the Terms: Love as Emotional Labor and Co-Regulation

In order to truly understand how to build a relationship that supports healing from trauma, it’s essential to break down some of the key concepts that underpin this kind of love. When we talk about emotional labor and co-regulation, we’re referring to the ongoing effort of helping each other feel safe, stable, and emotionally balanced in the relationship.

Esther Perel, renowned for her work on relationships and intimacy, explains that emotional availability is critical in forming deep connections. In a trauma-informed relationship, your partner needs to be available not just physically, but emotionally, capable of providing empathy and understanding when you’re triggered or feeling vulnerable. This is a form of emotional labor—work that often goes unnoticed but is critical for building a foundation of trust.

Similarly, co-regulation refers to how partners help each other regulate their emotions during moments of stress or anxiety. Instead of escalating conflict, a loving partner will help you calm down, offering stability when your emotions feel overwhelming. In “Trust,” this is reflected in the line, “Let me show you love can be easy, if you just let it be.” It’s about creating an environment where healing doesn’t feel like an uphill battle, but rather a shared journey.

Recognizing a Supportive and Healing Partner

If you’ve experienced trauma or struggled with trusting others, it’s natural to be cautious when letting people into your life. But how can you tell when someone is truly a supportive, healing presence? Here are some key signs, rooted in expert literature, that someone is capable of loving you through your vulnerabilities:

They Create an Emotionally Safe Space
- A healing partner understands the importance of emotional safety. This means that you feel free to express your fears and insecurities without being judged. According to Esther Perel, intimacy is built when partners can be emotionally available and open, offering a secure base from which you can both grow.
- In “Trust,” Keyshia and Monica echo this sentiment with, “I’ll give you everything that I’ve got,” emphasizing the importance of feeling safe enough to give your heart to someone fully.
They Validate Your Emotions
- One of the cornerstones of a secure attachment relationship is emotional validation. As Bessel van der Kolk writes in The Body Keeps the Score, trauma survivors need their feelings to be seen and acknowledged. A supportive partner will never dismiss your emotional experiences but instead will empathize with your pain and offer comfort.
- The lyrics, “I know you’ve seen a lot of things in your life,” reflect a deep acknowledgment of your past and your emotional scars, creating space for healing.
They Show Patience in Your Healing Journey
- Healing is not a straight line, and a supportive partner understands that. In a trauma-informed relationship, your partner will be patient with your ups and downs, never pressuring you to “move on” or “get over it.” As bell hooks reminds us, real love is about showing up every day, even when it’s hard.
- The repeated reassurance in “Trust,” “I won’t hurt you, I’m down for you baby,” embodies the kind of patience that is essential for a trauma survivor to heal in the context of love.
They Engage in Emotional Labor
- A partner who is committed to healing will engage in the emotional labor required to maintain the relationship. This means actively listening, offering reassurance, and doing the work of helping you feel safe. It’s not always easy, but it’s essential for fostering a bond built on trust.
- The refrain in “Trust” captures this effort: “I trust you, I love you, I want you, I need you.” These words are more than declarations—they’re commitments to engage in the daily work of maintaining emotional connection.
They Help You Regulate Your Emotions (Co-Regulation)
- In moments of emotional overwhelm, a supportive partner will help you find balance. Co-regulation is about being there for each other when stress runs high, offering comfort and stability instead of escalating the situation.
- The song’s chorus reflects this dynamic: “Trust, and I’ll give you everything that I got. And I won’t stop till you get it right.” It’s a promise of emotional support, a reminder that you don’t have to face your emotional storms alone.

Lessons from Social Media: The Viral Video That Echoes Trust

Recently, a viral video surfaced of a woman discussing how her husband taught her how to be a “relaxed woman” by shouldering some of her emotional and physical burden. Much like the lyrics of “Trust,” this story reinforces the idea that real love involves emotional labor, patience, and a shared willingness to create safety for each other.

This dynamic is also emphasized by Esther Perel, who often talks about the need for partners to engage in repair work—fixing emotional rifts when they occur. It’s not about never making mistakes; it’s about being committed to the healing process when things go wrong.

As bell hooks writes, love is not a static feeling—it’s a practice, a series of choices to show up for each other, especially when it’s hard.

Conclusion: You Deserve Love that Heals

If you’ve ever felt that you’re too broken to be loved, let “Trust” by Keyshia Cole and Monica remind you: you are worthy of love, even when you’re still healing. Real love is patient, it engages in the hard work of emotional labor and co-regulation, and it’s built on a foundation of secure attachment and empathy. It’s not about being perfect—it’s about being willing to heal together, with a partner who sees your worth, scars and all.

Love, as bell hooks says, “is an action, a participatory thing.” And when you find someone who can love you through your vulnerabilities, you find an incredible thing.