Have you ever felt sad, angry, or anxious and immediately started drafting a long list of reasons to explain why? Many of us, especially those who have been invalidated by those we trusted, find ourselves doing just that—defending our feelings instead of just allowing them to exist. For some, this self-defense habit can trace back to family members, friends, or even healthcare professionals dismissing their emotions, often with a simple, “Are you sure it’s that serious?” Over time, this can make us feel like we need permission to feel, as if our emotions require proof.
The author bell hooks discusses the profound effects of this kind of systemic and relational invalidation in her work All About Love: New Visions. She explains that when society teaches us to question ourselves, especially our inner experiences, it causes lasting wounds that undermine self-trust and emotional confidence. Drawing insights from experts like hooks, Dr. Karyl McBride, and psychotherapist Megan Bruneau, this article will explore why we may feel compelled to justify our emotions and how we can reclaim our right to feel without needing validation.
Part 1: Unpacking the Roots of Self-Justification
Why Do We Justify Our Emotions?
At the core of the habit of emotional justification lies something known as emotional invalidation. This term, commonly explored in psychological literature, describes the dismissal or questioning of one’s emotions by others or even oneself. Megan Bruneau explains that when someone’s feelings are invalidated, they begin to question the legitimacy of their emotional responses. This undermines their capacity to recognize and honor their emotions, often leading to a habit of intellectualizing feelings as a means of self-protection.
The Impact of Toxic Relationships and Discrimination
In Will I Ever Be Good Enough?, Dr. Karyl McBride explores how invalidation in toxic relationships, particularly with narcissistic individuals, can shape a person’s emotional landscape. When we are constantly doubted, especially by close ones like parents or partners, we may start to question whether our emotions “deserve” to be felt. This is often intensified in relationships where criticism or disregard is common, leading us to overanalyze and “prepare a defense” anytime a difficult emotion arises.
bell hooks, in Sisters of the Yam: Black Women and Self-Recovery, highlights that invalidation is compounded in systems where discrimination and oppression are present. For marginalized individuals, experiences of discrimination within healthcare, education, or even friendship circles can create a tendency to intellectualize emotions as a preemptive defense. Hooks emphasizes that the constant invalidation of these lived experiences is not only painful but deeply alienating, as it can make people feel as though they need to fight to prove even their pain.
Defining Intellectualization as a Defense Mechanism
When emotional invalidation becomes internalized, we may start to rely on what psychologists call intellectualization, a defense mechanism where people focus on reason and logic to avoid confronting emotional pain. Intellectualization involves transforming raw emotions into rational explanations or “proofs” for their legitimacy. Instead of simply acknowledging, “I feel hurt,” we may start justifying why we feel hurt, thinking that attaching facts or societal reasoning will make the emotion more “real” or acceptable. Bruneau notes that while this habit can provide temporary relief, it prevents genuine healing because it distances us from experiencing our emotions as they are.
A Self-Perpetuating Cycle
What often follows is a cycle: invalidation leads to intellectualization, and intellectualization leads to emotional detachment. When we experience emotions through the lens of “justification,” it can become harder to sit with them authentically. This cycle can lead to heightened anxiety and depression, as suppressing emotions through constant justification prevents us from processing them fully.
Part 2: Practical Tips for Reclaiming Emotional Self-Validation
1. Practice Mindful Acknowledgment
Instead of explaining why you feel a certain way, try stating your emotion plainly: “I feel sad” or “I am hurt.” Recognize that emotions don’t need an intellectual explanation to be valid. Megan Bruneau, in her work on emotional resilience, emphasizes mindfulness as a way to detach from the “why” of emotions and instead simply “be” with them.
- Real-life example: When a friend or family member dismisses how you feel, take a moment to pause and acknowledge your emotions internally. You might say to yourself, “I feel this, and that’s enough.” This reinforces that your emotions are valid, regardless of external validation.
2. Challenge the Justification Habit with Self-Compassion
Reflect on the times you’ve justified your emotions in the past. Were those explanations truly for yourself, or were they a result of fearing dismissal? Practicing self-compassion, as hooks describes in All About Love, is essential here. Remind yourself that your feelings are worthy of respect—no justification required.
- Real-life example: If you feel overwhelmed and start crafting a “why” explanation, take a step back and replace that thought with compassion, like, “I am feeling overwhelmed, and that’s okay.” The act of recognizing your emotions without rationalizing them can bring immense relief.
3. Recognize the Impact of Past Invalidations
Naming past experiences of invalidation by friends, family, or professionals can help shed light on the origins of self-justification. McBride’s work highlights that many people in invalidating environments develop patterns of self-doubt that only start healing when these experiences are acknowledged.
- Real-life example: Write down times when you felt dismissed or invalidated, whether by a doctor or a family member. Recognizing that these moments have contributed to your need to justify can help you start to break the cycle.
4. Journal Emotions Without Reasoning
Megan Bruneau encourages journaling as a way to express emotions without overthinking. Instead of rationalizing, write down your feelings as they come. This practice helps in expressing emotions naturally, serving as a reminder that your feelings don’t need a “why” to be valid.
- Real-life example: Begin each journal entry with a simple statement, like, “Today, I feel frustrated.” Let yourself write freely without assigning any cause. This shift toward natural expression can make a big difference in accepting your emotions as they are.
5. Build Trusting Relationships that Validate
Surrounding yourself with people who affirm your feelings can reinforce self-validation. bell hooks emphasizes, in Sisters of the Yam, the importance of supportive relationships that affirm your reality and emotional experiences.
- Real-life example: When confiding in a trusted friend or family member, notice how it feels to share your emotions without the need to justify. Having relationships where you feel heard without explanation can significantly strengthen your emotional resilience.
Conclusion
The habit of justifying emotions often stems from invalidation by people or systems we were supposed to trust. By learning to recognize these roots, as authors like bell hooks and Dr. McBride suggest, we can begin to let go of the need for permission to feel. When you choose self-compassion over justification, you’re affirming your own worth and breaking free from a harmful cycle. As bell hooks reminds us, healing begins with embracing our inner truths—validating our emotions as they come.
Allow this journey to remind you that your emotions don’t need proof; they are valid in and of themselves. You deserve to feel, without defense, exactly as you are.