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Empowerment Self-Care

Healing from Trauma: How to Distinguish Between Cruelty and Loving Intimacy in Relationships

Love and hate may seem to add up the same, but their impact is worlds apart.

Have you ever wondered why certain acts in a relationship that should feel loving leave you feeling uneasy or even degraded? Why does it sometimes seem like cruelty and affection exist on the same spectrum? When you’ve experienced intimate trauma, the line between love and cruelty can become blurred, and knowing the difference is crucial to healing. But here’s the good news: you have the ability to start recognizing the signs and taking control of your journey toward healthier, more loving relationships. In this article, we’ll dive into practical ways you can rebuild trust in yourself, spot red flags early, and establish boundaries that will help protect your peace.

Understanding the Difference: Cruelty vs. Loving Intimacy

You’ve likely heard the saying, “There’s a thin line between love and hate.” Love and cruelty can both feel intense and passionate, but how they affect you is starkly different.

  • Loving Intimacy: This involves care, respect, and mutual support. It’s about creating a safe space where both individuals feel valued and uplifted. Example: A loving partner will ask you what you need after a stressful day, whether it’s space, a comforting hug, or time to decompress. They’ll respect your boundaries and support your emotional needs.
  • Cruelty: This manifests through control and boundary violations, often in manipulative ways that can be mistaken for affection. Example: If someone regularly mocks your emotions or demands your attention after you’ve asked for space, their behavior can leave you feeling small or unsafe. These acts chip away at your self-worth.

Recognizing these differences is your first step in reclaiming control over your emotional well-being. You deserve a relationship that builds you up, not one that wears you down.

Why Trauma Confuses the Line Between Love and Cruelty

Trauma, especially from toxic relationships, can make cruelty feel like love. This confusion, known as trauma bonding, causes you to associate unhealthy behavior with affection, making it harder to see red flags. Periods of apology or affection mixed with cruelty reinforce a cycle that’s difficult to break. Over time, you may lose sight of what healthy love actually looks like.

Practical Steps to Forming Healthier Relationships

The good news is that you can break this cycle. With small, consistent changes, you can begin forming healthier relationships based on trust, respect, and real love. Here are practical ways to begin healing and strengthening your connections:

1. Redefine and Enforce Your Boundaries

When trauma has blurred your boundaries, regaining clarity is essential for protecting your emotional health.

  • How To: Reflect on your past relationships and pinpoint moments when your boundaries were crossed. What made you uncomfortable? Write down behaviors that violate your boundaries, like emotional manipulation or ignoring your need for space. Practice asserting these boundaries in daily interactions. For example, if someone oversteps, firmly say, “I’m not comfortable with that,” and maintain your stance.
  • Real-Life Example: Imagine a partner who respects your boundary of needing time alone after an argument, allowing you the space to process emotions. This contrasts with someone who pressures you for an immediate resolution, disregarding your needs.

2. Identify Red Flags Early

Being able to spot red flags can prevent you from getting trapped in another toxic relationship. Often, we overlook early warning signs because we don’t want to see them or because we’re unsure if our feelings are valid.

  • How To: Trust your gut. If someone’s behavior leaves you feeling anxious or uncertain, pay attention. Do they ignore your boundaries or make you second-guess yourself? These are early indicators of control or manipulation.
  • Real-Life Example: A partner who tries to dismiss your boundaries, makes fun of your feelings, or pressures you into things you’re not ready for is showing signs of cruelty, not love.

3. Prioritize Self-Care

Self-care is not just about pampering; it’s about reclaiming your autonomy and reinforcing your sense of self-worth. When you take time for yourself, you’re reminding yourself that your needs and well-being are important.

  • How To: Begin incorporating self-care into your daily routine. Whether it’s journaling, meditating, or taking a quiet walk, these small acts will help you reconnect with yourself. By grounding yourself in self-care, you’re better equipped to recognize when a relationship isn’t serving you.
  • Real-Life Example: If you journal about your day and notice recurring feelings of unease around a person, this can serve as a wake-up call to reevaluate the relationship. You’ll learn to trust your feelings and take action when something feels wrong.

4. Practice Trusting Your Instincts

After experiencing trauma, it can be hard to trust your gut feelings. You may second-guess your emotions, unsure whether you’re being overly sensitive or if something is genuinely wrong.

  • How To: Start small by noticing how certain people and situations make you feel. If something feels off, don’t ignore it. Over time, you’ll strengthen your ability to listen to your instincts.
  • Real-Life Example: When you meet someone new and feel uneasy after spending time with them, ask yourself why. Are they dismissive of your thoughts? Do they push you past your comfort zone? Don’t brush off these feelings—they’re clues that can help you avoid future heartache.

5. Restore Balance in Your Relationships

Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and shared power. If you find that your voice isn’t being heard or that decisions are being made for you, it’s time to reclaim your autonomy.

  • How To: In both new and established relationships, reflect on how power is distributed. Are you constantly compromising, or is there a balance? Practice speaking up for yourself and ensuring your preferences are taken into account.
  • Real-Life Example: A relationship where both partners make decisions together—whether it’s choosing where to eat or planning activities—shows mutual respect. If you find yourself always going along with someone else’s plans without having a say, it’s time to reassert your needs.

Moving Forward with Confidence

Healing from intimate trauma is a process, but by taking these steps, you can regain control over your relationships and your sense of self. Loving intimacy should feel supportive, nurturing, and empowering—not degrading or controlling. The more you practice setting boundaries, trusting your instincts, and prioritizing self-care, the clearer the path to healthy love will become.

Practical Takeaways:

  • Set clear boundaries: Define what behaviors you’re no longer willing to accept, and practice asserting these limits.
  • Spot red flags early: Pay attention to how people treat your boundaries and whether their actions make you feel safe.
  • Reclaim your autonomy through self-care: Establish a daily routine that reinforces your sense of worth.
  • Restore balance: Make sure your relationships involve mutual respect and shared decision-making.
  • Trust your instincts: Learn to recognize gut feelings as signals that guide you toward or away from certain people.

By investing in yourself and your healing, you can create the space to welcome true, loving intimacy into your life. Healthy love is possible, and you are worthy of it—right now, exactly as you are.

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Empowerment Law and Justice

Empowered Healing: Debunking Myths About Mental Illness, Trauma and Justice

"A lie has no legs" — Stigma and misconceptions about mental illness may persist, but the truth always prevails. In this article, we uncover the damaging myths linking mental illness and trauma to violence, and explore paths toward justice and healing.

There’s a lot of stigma around mental health disorders. The media often sensationalizes violent acts by labeling the perpetrators as “mentally ill” or “traumatized.” This portrayal is not only misleading but deeply harmful. In reality, people with mental illnesses are far more likely to be victims of violence than perpetrators. They often possess greater empathy due to their own struggles, making this media narrative an unjust misrepresentation—one that perpetuates ableism.

This stigma might be convenient for maintaining the status quo, allowing discriminatory systems to flourish by blaming trauma or mental illness for violent acts, while ignoring the systemic issues that breed these problems. For example, domestic terrorists and mass shooters are often painted as “lone wolves” with mental disturbances, rather than confronting the patterns of privilege and hate motivating their actions. This article will debunk these misconceptions by exploring the differences between mental health disorders and criminal behavior, the role of psychopathy in criminal profiling, and how restorative justice offers a truly effective solution to crime. This is because restorative justice, just like criminal profiling efforts, are not intended to explain away or sympathize violence but to put an end to violence, breaking the cycle that our prison system often exacerbates.

Understanding Psychopathy, Sociopathy, and ASPD

Mental illness and violence are often linked unfairly in the justice system due to confusion around what constitutes a mental disorder. Psychopathy, often used to describe violent offenders, is not a mental illness but a set of behavioral traits used in criminal profiling. These traits—superficial charm, lack of empathy, manipulativeness—help law enforcement understand and predict the behavior of violent offenders in order to stop them. These traits are not rooted in trauma nor do they explain, or justify, the perpetrator’s behavior.

Sociopathy and Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) are also misinterpreted. ASPD is a diagnosable mental disorder recognized in the DSM-5, characterized by a persistent disregard for the rights of others, impulsivity, and tendencies toward deceitful or illegal behaviors. Even then, the majority of individuals with ASPD are not violent. Sociopathy, although not an official diagnosis, is frequently used interchangeably with ASPD. However, sociopathy is thought to involve more erratic, less calculated behavior than psychopathy. It is important to understand that neither sociopathy nor ASPD is caused by trauma, and most individuals with these conditions do not engage in violent behavior. There is a major difference between being a flawed individual that makes bad choices that cause others pain, and being a toxic individual that maliciously causes trauma.

The Harmful Effects of Stigma

It’s vital to understand that trauma and mental illness are not the causes of criminal behavior. Misinformation creates damaging stereotypes that often prevent people with mental illness from getting the help they need, and instead allow them to be funneled into the prison system. It is far too often that people who have experienced trauma, especially those that are people of color, are arrested unjustly and end up in the system.

This is a system that increases crime, as it functions like a revolving door. It sweeps up disenfranchised, often nonviolent individuals, putting them into environments where violence becomes a means of survival. Large corporations profit off their free labor, while individuals who need support are exposed to dangerous influences, including hardened criminals and people with psychopathic tendencies. These individuals perpetuate cycles of violence within prisons, grooming nonviolent prisoners to do the same. When they’re released, they will have a criminal record and be shut out from most opportunities. The parole system often sets them up to fail, sending them right back into the system. This environment only worsens crime, turning those who were once harmless into desperate people who must survive by any means necessary.

The Role of Restorative Justice

Restorative justice, on the other hand, breaks the cycle of violence. Contrary to misconceptions, restorative justice isn’t about letting offenders off easy—it’s about healing and accountability. It empowers survivors by giving them back a sense of control and ensuring offenders face up to the damage they’ve caused. The focus is on repairing relationships, restoring what was lost, and making amends, not through punishment alone, but through meaningful action. Offenders are required to contribute to healing and transformation, and this active participation in the process leads to real reform. It’s a path forward that not only repairs the harm done but also gives offenders a chance to rebuild their identities and social ties, reducing future harm.

This kind of justice is not about excusing or diminishing consequences—it’s about ensuring those consequences lead to something positive: a decrease in crime, a healing of wounds, and a society where we truly hold each other accountable in ways that foster growth and restoration. In this way, restorative justice reduces violence, brings peace to survivors, and creates safer communities for all of us. Survivors of crime deserve this level of justice and restoration.

Empowering Yourself in the Face of Misrepresentation

Restorative justice provides a framework not only for addressing crime but also for challenging how we think about accountability, healing, and community safety. Just as it rejects the notion that putting people in cages can solve violence, we must reject the harmful myths that mental illness and trauma are inherently tied to criminal behavior. While a perpetrator of violence may have experienced trauma, committing acts of violence is always a personal choice. These choices largely affect those most vulnerable, including those with mental illnesses.

If you live with mental illness, you deserve empathy, not judgment. Just as effective solutions to crime come from focusing on healing and reform rather than perpetuating cycles of violence. Your experiences add depth to your perspective, and while mental illness can present challenges, it also grants you incredible strengths—such as the heightened awareness and quick thinking many people with anxiety experience. Never let society’s ignorance define you. Anyone who tries to associate your struggles with criminality or worthlessness is both uninformed and undeserving of a say in how you see yourself.

For those who’ve endured trauma at the hands of toxic individuals, it’s easy to spiral into questions of “Why me?” while trying to make sense of someone else’s harmful actions. Scientists are still not in agreement about what leads to malicious, psychopathic behavior. Sometimes, there’s no explanation—people do bad things, and harmful systems exist. But these things do not define you. You are the main character of your story. If someone made you feel small, it was a reflection of their insecurity, not your value. They were just a chapter, maybe just a sentence in your story, but you? You are everything.

As Alan Watts beautifully said, “Happiness was always about listening to your heart and following it wherever it chose to go. […] Happiness was always about being kinder to yourself and embracing the person you’re becoming. […] True happiness comes from within, and no external factors can define it. It was always about you.”

Be kind to yourself!

Categories
Empowerment Self-Care

Why Small Inconveniences Feel So Overwhelming (And What We Can Do About It)

Overwhelmed by the little things: when everyday tasks feel like too much to handle.

Have you ever found yourself inexplicably upset over something as simple as a slow internet connection or having to send an email to fix a billing mistake? Maybe you put off opening your mail because you dread seeing something stressful, or you avoid errands because even minor obstacles feel too much to bear. You’re not alone.

For many, small inconveniences can trigger big reactions—frustration, exhaustion, or outright avoidance. What’s more, these reactions don’t just make everyday life harder; they can snowball into larger problems when avoidance leads to missed deadlines, unaddressed issues, or unspoken needs. If this sounds familiar, you might wonder: why do small things feel so overwhelming? And more importantly, how can we handle them?

Why Minor Stressors Can Feel So Big

The answer often lies in how our brains and bodies process stress, especially if we’ve experienced trauma or chronic stress in the past. Over time, unresolved trauma can make our nervous systems hyper-sensitive to disruptions, even small ones. This is sometimes called trauma sensitivity—a heightened reactivity to stress because our minds perceive even minor problems as threats.

Think of your stress tolerance as a bucket. For some people, their bucket is sturdy and rarely overflows. But if you’ve experienced trauma, burnout, or ongoing stress, your bucket might already be nearly full. A small drop—like needing to make an awkward phone call—can spill the whole thing.

This dynamic isn’t just personal. Scholars like bell hooks remind us that societal systems—like capitalism, racism, and sexism—add extra weight to our emotional burdens. A system that values efficiency over well-being makes even minor disruptions harder to bear.

The Trap of Avoidance

To cope with overwhelming feelings, it’s natural to avoid stressors altogether. You might think, If I just don’t open that email, I won’t have to feel bad. But avoidance often worsens the problem. Bills pile up, emails go unanswered, and dread grows. Avoidance can turn minor issues into major headaches, creating a vicious cycle.

Yet, avoidance isn’t about laziness or lack of discipline—it’s a protective mechanism. Recognizing this is the first step to breaking free.

How to Reclaim Your Peace: Practical Tips for Managing Stress

The good news is that you can learn to navigate these feelings. The goal isn’t to force yourself into productivity but to find ways to care for yourself while addressing what feels overwhelming. Here are some accessible strategies, with real-life examples to help you apply them.

1. Start Small and Break Tasks Down

When faced with a daunting task, try breaking it into the smallest possible steps. Instead of “read all my mail,” commit to opening just one envelope. Once you start, momentum often builds.

Example:
If you’ve been avoiding your mailbox, tell yourself, “I’ll open one letter today.” Tomorrow, you can do the same. Slowly, you’ll make progress without feeling overwhelmed.

2. Practice Self-Compassion

It’s easy to beat yourself up for struggling with “simple” tasks. But self-criticism only deepens avoidance. Instead, remind yourself that these reactions are normal, especially if you’ve faced trauma or chronic stress.

Example:
Instead of thinking, I’m so lazy for not responding to that email, try, I’m feeling overwhelmed, but I’m doing my best. Taking one step is enough.

3. Use the Two-Minute Rule

If a task takes less than two minutes to complete, try doing it immediately. This can help you clear small stressors off your plate before they pile up.

Example:
When you notice an email about a refund, instead of saying, “I’ll deal with it later,” open it and reply right away. Setting a timer for two minutes can help you stay focused.

4. Build a Supportive Routine

Routines can reduce decision fatigue and make tasks feel more manageable. Try setting aside a specific time each week for things you tend to avoid, like checking mail or making phone calls.

Example:
Schedule 20 minutes every Sunday to handle life admin. Pair it with something comforting, like your favorite tea or music, to make the process less stressful.

5. Share the Load Through Community Care

You don’t have to tackle everything alone. Lean on trusted friends, family, or community members for support. Sometimes, simply sharing your struggles can lighten the load.

Example:
If you’re overwhelmed by errands, ask a friend to come along or help you strategize. You can also swap tasks with a neighbor or family member—perhaps you’ll help them with something they find difficult in return.

6. Reframe Your Mindset

Instead of viewing minor inconveniences as obstacles, try to see them as opportunities to practice resilience. This doesn’t mean dismissing your feelings—it’s about gently shifting your perspective.

Example:
When your internet goes out, instead of spiraling into frustration, remind yourself: This is frustrating, but I can use this time to stretch or journal until it’s fixed.

7. Try Grounding Techniques to Reset Your Mindset

When stress feels overwhelming, grounding techniques can help calm your nervous system and bring you back to the present moment. These methods are often used in trauma-informed therapies, but they’re easy to practice on your own.

Example:
Use the 5-4-3-2-1 technique:

  • Notice 5 things you can see around you.
  • Touch 4 things (e.g., the texture of your shirt or the chair you’re sitting on).
  • Listen for 3 sounds.
  • Identify 2 things you can smell or wish you could smell.
  • Think of 1 thing you can taste or imagine tasting.

This simple exercise can help reduce the intensity of your feelings, making it easier to face a challenging task or situation.

Taking It One Step at a Time

Remember, feeling overwhelmed by small things isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a sign that your stress system is working overtime, likely for good reasons. Healing takes time, and the goal isn’t perfection. Even small steps, like opening one letter or making one phone call, can make a difference.

By combining self-care with community care and seeking support when needed, you can reclaim peace and power in your daily life. You are not alone, and your struggles are valid. One step at a time, you can learn to manage life’s little challenges with greater ease.

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Empowerment Self-Care

Old Soul or Burnt Out? Navigating the Pressures of Growing Up Too Soon

Childhood on pause: When responsibility takes the place of play.

Introduction: Have you ever been called an “old soul,” not because of your taste in music or movies, but because you’ve been worrying about adult problems since you were a kid? You’re not alone. Many of us who feel like we’ve lived a thousand lives by 25 have one thing in common: we were forced to grow up long before we were ready. And while people might think it’s wisdom beyond your years, you’re left feeling exhausted—like you’ve been in survival mode forever.

But what is this feeling really? And how do we move past the constant pressure to improve our lives when we’ve been grinding away at it for what feels like forever? It turns out, this experience has a name. Actually, several names—terms like “parentification,” “adultification,” and “chronic survival mode” all describe the emotional and mental toll of growing up too fast. Let’s break these down and, more importantly, talk about how to overcome the burnout that comes with them.

1. Parentification: When the Child Becomes the Caregiver At its core, parentification happens when a child is forced to act as a parent—whether by emotionally supporting the adults in their life or by taking on practical responsibilities beyond their years. Maybe you had to manage your own meals, help care for siblings, or even emotionally comfort a parent when they were struggling. While you may have learned responsibility early, the toll is high. Parentified children often grow up feeling like they always have to be the “strong one” and carry the weight of their world on their shoulders.

How to Manage It:

  • Recognize your boundaries. As an adult, it’s crucial to unlearn the idea that you always need to be in control or responsible for others. Start practicing saying “no” to responsibilities that aren’t yours.
  • Allow yourself to be cared for. Whether it’s in a relationship or a friendship, challenge yourself to accept help when it’s offered, and remind yourself that you don’t always need to be the caregiver.
  • Example in real life: If you’re used to handling everything for family gatherings, try delegating tasks. Let someone else bring food or organize the event, even if you’re tempted to do it all yourself. Trust that others can step up, and that it’s okay to release control.

2. Adultification: The Burden of Premature Worries Adultification is a little different from parentification. While you may not have been acting as a parent, adultification refers to the emotional burden of worrying about adult problems too soon. This could mean handling financial stress, worrying about family stability, or even just being aware of the world’s harsh realities when other kids were playing. Adultified children often lose their sense of innocence early, and that leaves a mark. The constant need to think about how to “fix” things creates a pressure that doesn’t go away easily, even into adulthood.

How to Manage It:

  • Practice mindfulness and presence. Adultified people are often so focused on the future (fixing things, improving, surviving) that they struggle to stay in the present. Grounding techniques, like meditation or simple breathing exercises, can help shift your mind from the future back into the moment.
  • Allow yourself to play. Reconnect with hobbies or activities that are purely for joy, without any sense of responsibility attached to them. Let yourself experience fun or relaxation without feeling guilty or thinking you should be doing something “productive.”
  • Example in real life: Try spending an afternoon doing something purely for fun—like going to an amusement park, drawing, or listening to music—without making a to-do list in your mind. If your thoughts drift to responsibilities, gently remind yourself that this is your time to just enjoy life, not to fix things.

3. Survival Mode: Living as Though There’s Always a Threat When you’ve had to worry about survival for most of your life, that stress can stick with you, even when the actual threat is gone. Chronic survival mode is the sense that you’re always bracing for the next disaster, always feeling like you have to improve yourself to stay safe. The problem is, staying in survival mode for too long exhausts your body and mind. It’s no wonder you feel burned out—being in survival mode uses up all your energy, leaving little for anything else.

How to Manage It:

  • Create small moments of safety. If you’ve been in survival mode for years, it can be hard to convince yourself that you’re safe now. Start by intentionally creating environments that feel secure—a cozy corner in your home, a trusted friend who listens without judgment, or even a relaxing routine at the end of the day. The more you build safety into your life, the more you can slowly release the grip of survival mode.
  • Reframe your goals. Instead of feeling like you always need to be better, faster, or more successful to survive, try reframing your goals around growth and fulfillment. Focus on things that make you happy, not just things that keep you safe. This can be a powerful way to transition out of a survival mindset and into one of thriving.
  • Example in real life: If you’re constantly worrying about finances even though you’re managing your bills fine, set aside a small amount of money each month specifically for something that brings you joy—whether it’s a favorite hobby, a nice dinner, or a trip. Remind yourself that this is a reward for your hard work and that you deserve moments of joy, not just survival.

4. Burnout from an “Old Soul” Life All of these pressures—the caregiving, the worries, the need to survive—add up to one thing: burnout. It’s a unique kind of burnout, though, one that feels like it’s been with you forever. People might comment on how “mature” you are or how you “worry about things most people your age don’t think about.” But that’s not a badge of honor; it’s a sign that you’ve been carrying too much for too long.

How to Manage It:

  • Slow down. It’s okay to stop improving yourself all the time. Rest isn’t just a reward for hard work; it’s a necessity. Build in time to do nothing, to simply exist without the pressure of becoming “better” all the time.
  • Embrace self-compassion. The child who was forced to grow up too soon didn’t deserve that weight. Acknowledge that younger version of yourself and honor their strength, but also allow yourself to rest now. Self-compassion means recognizing that you don’t have to carry the weight of the world anymore, and it’s okay to let go of that burden.
  • Example in real life: If you’ve been pushing yourself to achieve nonstop, take a full weekend to rest—no goals, no self-improvement. Let yourself sleep in, watch movies, and take walks without thinking about productivity. Remind yourself that rest is necessary, not something to “earn” after burning out.

Conclusion: If you’ve ever felt like an old soul because you’ve been battling adult problems since before you were even close to adulthood, you’re not alone. Terms like parentification, adultification, and chronic survival mode capture the reality of growing up too soon. But you don’t have to stay in that space forever. By recognizing these patterns and taking steps to manage them, you can move from survival to thriving.

The next time someone calls you an old soul, let it remind you of how much you’ve overcome—but also of how much you deserve rest, joy, and peace. You’ve carried the weight for long enough; now it’s time to set it down and live.

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Building Community Communication Skills Empowerment Self-Care

The Unseen Pull: How Trauma and Empathy Can Attract Toxicity—And How to Stop It

Caught between light and shadow: The journey from trauma to healing often feels like standing on the edge of two worlds—where hope meets past hurt.

Do you ever feel like, no matter what you do, trouble keeps finding you? It’s as if you’re minding your own business, trying to avoid drama, but somehow, toxic people or situations seem to gravitate toward you anyway. If this sounds all too familiar, you’re not alone—and more importantly, it’s not your fault. In many cases, this frustrating pattern is a result of two powerful forces working together: trauma and empathy. When these collide, they can unintentionally pull you into negativity, even when you’re doing your best to avoid it.

Let’s take a closer look at how this happens, and more importantly, how you can turn the tide.

Trauma and the Familiarity of Toxicity

For anyone who has experienced trauma—whether it was emotional abuse, neglect, or another painful experience—something strange happens. Toxicity can start to feel normal. It’s not because you want it to be. It’s just that, over time, your brain begins to associate harmful behavior with familiarity. You may not even realize it, but when toxic situations arise, part of you may unconsciously recognize it as something you’ve dealt with before. And when your brain knows something, it’s more likely to repeat it.

It’s not that you’re seeking out negativity; it’s more that your trauma has wired your brain to expect it. You might find yourself stuck in the same types of relationships or situations over and over again, even as you try your hardest to avoid them.

What’s even more challenging is that unresolved trauma can make it harder to spot red flags. When you’ve been conditioned to accept bad treatment in the past, you might second-guess yourself, wondering, Is this really that bad? You might even start to believe that you’re the problem.

But let me tell you—you’re not the problem. You’re navigating through a complex web of past wounds, and it’s possible to heal from that.

Empathy: A Gift and a Challenge

Empathy is one of those qualities we often celebrate—being able to deeply understand and feel what others are going through is a powerful thing. But for those of us who are highly empathetic, it can also be a bit of a double-edged sword. You see, empaths naturally pick up on the emotions and energies of people around them. While this sensitivity makes you deeply compassionate, it also means you might feel responsible for helping others, even when it drains you.

Toxic people tend to pick up on that. They’re drawn to empaths because they know you’ll offer kindness and support, even if it costs you your own well-being. This can make setting boundaries really tough. It’s hard to walk away from someone when you can feel their pain, even if it’s clear they’re not treating you well.

Empathy is a gift, but without boundaries, it can become exhausting. If you’re constantly picking up other people’s emotional baggage, it leaves little room for your own emotional well-being. And that can make you more vulnerable to being drawn into toxic situations.

Trauma and Empathy: The Perfect Storm

Now, when trauma and empathy intersect, it creates a particularly challenging dynamic. Many trauma survivors develop heightened empathy because, in the past, they had to be. They needed to learn how to sense the moods of an abusive parent, an unstable environment, or a volatile relationship just to survive.

That heightened empathy, which once served as a survival tool, doesn’t just go away. Instead, it can carry into adulthood, leaving you hyper-aware of the emotions and needs of others. On the surface, this might sound like a good thing—after all, who doesn’t want to be more empathetic? But when empathy is paired with unresolved trauma, it becomes a bit more complicated.

Here’s the thing: When you’re both empathetic and a trauma survivor, you might find yourself drawn to relationships where you can “fix” the other person. You might believe that your empathy and care can help heal their wounds. Unfortunately, this often leads to situations where you’re giving and giving, but the other person isn’t giving back. Worse, they might even take advantage of your kindness.

It’s easy to end up in relationships where you feel like it’s your job to heal someone else, even when they’re causing you harm. And because trauma survivors often question their own judgment, you might stick around longer than you should, thinking, If I just try harder, things will get better.

But let me stop you right there: It’s not your job to fix someone else. You deserve relationships where your empathy is valued, not exploited.

When Toxicity Feels Like the Norm

For many people with trauma, toxicity becomes the norm. If you’re used to chaos or dysfunction, healthy relationships can feel strange—maybe even uncomfortable. Sometimes, we end up excusing or ignoring harmful behavior because it’s what we’ve always known.

You might think, I must be doing something wrong. Why does this keep happening to me? But let me be clear: It’s not about what you’re doing. It’s about what your past has taught you to expect.

The good news? You can absolutely break free from this cycle. It starts with recognizing that these patterns aren’t your fault—and that you have the power to change them.

Breaking the Cycle: How to Protect Yourself

If this is sounding a little too familiar, don’t worry. You’re not stuck in this pattern forever. Here’s how you can start to protect yourself and move toward healthier relationships:

  1. Recognize Your Patterns: The first step is understanding how your trauma and empathy may be playing a role in your current relationships. Once you see the pattern, you can start to change it.
  2. Learn to Set Boundaries: Setting boundaries can be tough, especially if you’re used to prioritizing other people’s needs over your own. But boundaries are essential in protecting your emotional energy. It’s okay to say “no” and protect your peace.
  3. Surround Yourself with Supportive People: Healthy relationships are out there! Seek out people who respect your boundaries and support your healing. The more you surround yourself with people who uplift you, the easier it becomes to recognize toxicity when it arises.
  4. Heal from Within: Healing from trauma takes time, and it’s important to be patient with yourself. Therapy, self-care, and personal growth are key to moving forward. As you heal, you’ll start to trust your instincts more and feel stronger in setting limits with others.
  5. Trust Your Gut: You have a powerful inner voice that knows when something doesn’t feel right. Trust that. Don’t let your empathy or your past experiences silence that intuition. If something feels off, it probably is.

A New Chapter of Empowerment

It’s easy to feel like trouble is something you can’t escape, but that’s not your destiny. Yes, trauma and empathy can make you more vulnerable to toxic situations—but they also give you the tools to rise above them. By recognizing how your past has shaped your present, you can take back your power and create the life and relationships you deserve.

You’re not here to fix everyone else. You’re here to live your life, surrounded by people who value and cherish the beautiful, empathetic soul that you are. So, let’s break the cycle together. You’re stronger than you know—and you absolutely have the power to thrive.

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Communication Skills Empowerment Self-Care

Reclaiming Your Gold: How to Overcome the Trauma of Being Used and Dismissed

Nurturing the Light Within: Rediscovering Your Worth in a World That Tried to Dim It

Have you ever felt like people around you saw your worth but refused to give you anything in return? They rely on you, use your talents, your time, your kindness—and then when you need even the smallest support, they vanish. It’s a strange and painful kind of rejection, one that can leave you feeling depleted and questioning your value.

But here’s the thing: Your worth was never tied to how others treat you. You are valuable, full stop. And even when the world tries to make you forget that, you have the power to reclaim your joy, your energy, and your confidence. That’s your “gold”—the part of you that shines regardless of what others think or do. If you’ve lost it, this is your reminder that it’s still there, waiting for you to rediscover it.

I’ve been there myself. I lost my joy for life after being used, dismissed, and demeaned by people I thought I could trust. I went from singing in hallways, making music, and dreaming of a bright future to feeling like my world was falling apart. But I fought to reclaim my sense of self, and along the way, I learned some powerful strategies that helped me rebuild my confidence, protect my energy, and thrive again.

Let’s dive into these strategies—along with practical examples—so you, too, can reclaim your gold and move forward with strength and purpose.

1. Rebuild Your Sense of Self-Value

When you’re constantly used by others, it’s easy to forget your own worth. But your value isn’t about how much you do for people—it’s about who you are. Reclaiming your gold starts with rediscovering your passions and reminding yourself that your joy matters.

Example: Think about something you used to love but set aside—whether it’s writing, playing an instrument, or hiking. Take a small step toward it today, even if it’s just doodling on a piece of paper or spending ten minutes on a hobby. These moments will help you reconnect with yourself and remember that your happiness is just as important as anyone else’s.

2. Set Clear Boundaries

Setting boundaries is essential to protect your time and energy from people who only want to take. You can be compassionate without giving everything away. Boundaries let you decide when and how you give, without feeling drained or resentful.

Example: If a friend or family member is always asking for help but never offers support in return, practice saying, “I can’t help this time—I need to focus on my own needs.” At work, if a colleague constantly shifts their responsibilities onto you, try saying, “I can’t take that on today, but here’s how we can handle it together.”

3. Advocate for Yourself: Speak Up with Confidence

One of the most empowering things you can do is to speak up for yourself, even when it’s uncomfortable. When you’ve been devalued for too long, it’s easy to stay silent to avoid conflict. But your voice matters, and advocating for your needs is a way to reclaim your power.

Example: The next time someone disrespects you or tries to diminish your contributions, calmly but confidently state your position. For instance, at work, you might say, “I believe my input on this project is valuable, and I’d like to contribute more.” In a personal setting, you could tell a family member, “I’ve done a lot to support you, but I need to focus on my own well-being now.”

4. Emotionally Detach from Negativity

It’s tough when people project their insecurities onto you, but remember: their negativity is about them, not you. Learning to emotionally detach means you don’t have to internalize every unkind word or action that comes your way.

Example: If a coworker makes an offhand remark about your work, or a family member criticizes a decision you’ve made, pause before responding. In that pause, remind yourself, “This is their issue, not mine.” This mental shift allows you to keep your sense of self intact, regardless of what others say.

5. Selective Engagement: Protecting Your Energy

You don’t have to give everyone your time or emotional energy. One of the best ways to preserve your mental health is by engaging only with people and situations that align with your values and well-being.

Example: If a colleague or friend tends to drain your energy with negativity or endless requests, decide when and how to interact. Limit conversations to necessary work matters, or politely excuse yourself from unnecessary drama. You’ll be surprised how much lighter you feel when you stop overextending yourself.

6. Strengthen Your Support System

While toxic people drain us, positive relationships can help restore and strengthen us. Finding people who see you for who you truly are can be transformative. Surround yourself with those who lift you up and celebrate your successes.

Example: If you’ve been isolated, try reconnecting with a friend or seeking out new communities where your energy is appreciated. Whether it’s an online group, a local class, or reconnecting with a trusted old friend, having a support system reminds you that you deserve to be valued.

Reclaiming your gold is about recognizing that your worth is inherent—and no one has the right to take that from you. It’s about standing firm in your value, setting boundaries that protect your energy, and surrounding yourself with people who see you, not just for what you can give, but for who you are. With the right strategies in place, you can start to heal from the trauma of being used and dismissed—and find joy, confidence, and peace once again.

Your gold is still there. And it’s time to let it shine.

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Building Community Communication Skills Empowerment History Self-Care

Resisting the Pull: How Boundaries and Empowerment Counter Systemic Oppression

A New Dawn: Reclaiming our Power—One Boundary at a Time

Do you ever feel like trouble is drawn to you, even when you’ve done nothing to invite it? For so many of us, especially those who face systemic oppression, it can feel like the weight of the world is pressing down, constantly reminding us of all the ways we’re expected to fail. Society tells us, in subtle and not-so-subtle ways, that we are less deserving, less capable, and that our struggles are our fault. But while oppression is very real, it doesn’t have to define our lives. Many of us live fulfilled lives, not because the system isn’t oppressive, but because we refuse to internalize those harmful messages. We’ve learned to set boundaries, assert our worth, and reject the learned helplessness that these systems try to instill in us.

This isn’t to say that personal empowerment alone can dismantle systemic inequality. It takes both individual strength and collective action to create real change. But by standing firm in who we are and what we deserve, we begin the process of not just surviving, but thriving. Let’s explore how we can use boundaries and empowerment to resist oppression and, together, create transformative change.

1. Acknowledging Structural Inequality: The Roots of Oppression

Let’s start by acknowledging the reality many of us face. Structural inequality—whether it’s based on race, gender, class, or other factors—is designed to keep power in the hands of a few. It reinforces the idea that people like us should just accept our place at the bottom, internalizing the belief that our struggles are our fault. This learned helplessness tells us that no matter what we do, things won’t change, so why bother trying?

But recognizing this for what it is—a tactic of oppression—is a powerful first step. We are not broken, and our hardships aren’t because we deserve them. These systems were created to maintain control, not to reflect our inherent worth. And when we begin to see that, we can start setting boundaries and saying, “No, this is not my fault, and I will not accept this treatment.”

2. The Role of Boundaries and Self-Empowerment: Rejecting the Narrative

One of the most important ways we push back is by setting boundaries. Boundaries protect us, reminding ourselves and others that we won’t tolerate mistreatment or internalize negative messages. Self-empowerment comes from recognizing that, yes, oppression exists, but it doesn’t get to tell us who we are or how we live our lives.

Take the example of Rosa Parks. We know her story as the woman who refused to give up her seat on a segregated bus, sparking the Montgomery Bus Boycott. But what’s so powerful about her story isn’t just the act itself—it’s what it represents. As a Black woman living under Jim Crow laws, Rosa Parks was surrounded by systemic barriers designed to make her feel less worthy. She was constantly told she was a second-class citizen, but she didn’t accept that. When she refused to move, she wasn’t just standing up to one bus driver; she was rejecting the entire system that tried to tell her she wasn’t deserving of respect.

What makes Rosa Parks’ story so compelling is that she knew she deserved better, even in the face of overwhelming oppression. She set a boundary that day, not because she believed the system would instantly change, but because she knew her own worth. And that’s what we do, too. We set boundaries to remind ourselves and others that, no matter what the system says, we deserve better.

3. Collective Resistance and the Power of Community: Transformative Action

But personal empowerment is just one piece of the puzzle. Real change happens when we come together and reject the harmful narratives that systemic oppression pushes on us. When we organize as a community, we remind each other of our shared worth and push back against the systems trying to hold us down.

The civil rights movement is a perfect example of this. Rosa Parks’ act of defiance was just the beginning of the Montgomery Bus Boycott, a yearlong protest that united an entire community in standing up to segregation. It wasn’t just about one person refusing to give up her seat—it was about an entire community coming together to say, “We deserve better, and we won’t accept second-class citizenship.”

This kind of collective action is powerful because it takes our individual strength and amplifies it. When we come together, we create a force that’s much harder for oppressive systems to ignore. And that’s where real transformation happens—not just in the lives of individuals, but in society as a whole.

4. Mindset as a Tool, Not a Cure: Balancing Personal and Collective Efforts

It’s important to remember that having a strong mindset and setting boundaries are powerful tools, but they’re not a cure for oppression. Systemic inequality exists at a structural level, and no amount of personal empowerment will completely dismantle it. However, what we can do is avoid falling into the trap of learned helplessness.

When we set boundaries and refuse to accept harmful narratives, we create space for ourselves to live more fulfilled lives. And when we combine that individual empowerment with collective action, we start to chip away at the systems that oppress us. It’s a balance—taking care of ourselves while also working together to create a better, more just world.

Conclusion: Turning Empowerment into Transformation

Systemic oppression is heavy, but it doesn’t have to define us. When we set boundaries, reject harmful messages, and claim our worth, we begin the process of empowerment. And when we come together as a community to reject the narratives that try to keep us down, we create the possibility for true transformation. Rosa Parks’ legacy reminds us that personal empowerment, when paired with collective action, can change history. And while the fight against structural inequality continues, by standing strong in who we are and what we deserve, we take the first steps toward a more just and fulfilling future—for ourselves, and for everyone.

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Building Community Communication Skills Self-Care

The Power of Boundary Setting: Why It’s Essential for Your Well-Being

Setting boundaries is like learning when to stop — it empowers you to protect your space, energy, and well-being.

Boundary setting is one of the most empowering tools you can use to navigate life with confidence and comfort. It’s how you create space for yourself to thrive in any situation, making sure your needs are met and your energy is protected. By setting boundaries, you decide what you are willing and unwilling to contribute, and what you will and won’t accept from others. This choice is entirely yours, and it’s always valid.

Boundaries aren’t just for long-term relationships—they’re crucial in every aspect of life. You set boundaries with yourself when you establish a routine that supports your goals. You set them when you limit your availability for meetings or social outings to protect your time. You even set boundaries online by curating your digital space, choosing who and what deserves your attention by muting, unfollowing, or blocking accounts that don’t align with your well-being.

When it comes to relationships, boundaries become even more important. It’s not just about knowing what you need; it’s about maintaining those boundaries consistently and ensuring others respect them. Boundaries don’t mean controlling or imposing your desires onto someone else. It’s about standing firm in what works for you and walking away when someone doesn’t respect those limits. That’s a form of self-love.

Establishing boundaries doesn’t have to be difficult. It starts with getting to know yourself—understanding what makes you feel safe, respected, and valued. Your boundaries are unique to you, and that’s a beautiful thing. There’s no need to compare yourself to others because everyone’s needs are different. What works for someone else may not work for you, and that’s perfectly okay. It’s not about being the same; it’s about being true to yourself.

As you reflect on your own boundaries, consider these important aspects to guide you toward a deeper understanding of what works best for you:

1. Identify Your Needs

Start by self-reflecting on your emotional, physical, and mental needs. This requires a deep understanding of what makes you feel safe, respected, and comfortable. Ask yourself: What situations or behaviors make me uncomfortable? What values are most important to me? Self-awareness is the foundation of healthy boundaries.

2. Assess Existing Relationships

Evaluate your current relationships to see where your boundaries may be lacking or crossed. For example, think about times when you’ve felt overwhelmed, drained, or disrespected. Identify patterns—whether with friends, family, or coworkers—that contribute to these feelings. Acknowledge the relationships that uplift you and those that leave you feeling uncomfortable or used.

3. Clarify Your Limits

Establish limits based on your reflections. These can be emotional, physical, time-related, or personal-space boundaries. For instance, you may want to limit how much time you spend helping others if it drains your energy, or you may need to create physical space in your environment to feel focused or relaxed.

4. Practice Self-Reflection Regularly

Regularly assess how your boundaries are functioning. Boundaries are not static; as your needs and circumstances change, your boundaries should adapt. Take time to reflect on how well your boundaries are being respected and whether they need adjustment to better serve your well-being.

5. Learn to Say No

One of the hardest but most crucial parts of setting boundaries is learning to say “no.” Practice saying no in smaller, less challenging situations so you can build the muscle for bigger ones. Remember, saying no is about honoring your own limits and protecting your energy—it’s a form of self-respect.

6. Set Boundaries in Advance

When possible, communicate your boundaries before conflicts arise. For example, if you know that you need personal time after work, let those around you know that you’ll be unavailable during certain hours. Setting these expectations ahead of time can prevent misunderstandings and create a smoother dynamic.

7. Communicate Clearly

Once you’ve defined your boundaries, communicate them clearly and assertively. It’s essential to express your needs without guilt or apology. Be direct but respectful, focusing on how upholding the boundary improves your well-being. Clear communication prevents assumptions and helps others understand your expectations.

8. Surround Yourself With Supportive People

Build relationships with people who respect your boundaries. People who challenge or disregard your boundaries often benefit from your lack of them. Therefore, it’s important to have a supportive circle that values your limits and encourages you to maintain them.

9. Create Physical Boundaries

Physical boundaries are just as important as emotional ones. Set up environments that make you feel secure, whether that’s through creating designated workspaces, limiting physical touch, or ensuring you have time alone. For example, keeping technology out of your bedroom at night can protect your sleep quality and mental health.

10. Prepare for Pushback

People may resist or challenge your boundaries, especially if they’ve been used to you having none. It’s essential to set consequences for when boundaries are violated. For example, if someone keeps texting after you’ve requested space, stop engaging with their messages until they respect your request.

11. Reflect on “Hot Topics”

In conversations, certain topics can lead to discomfort or conflict. Reflect on the subjects you enjoy discussing with specific people and those you’d rather avoid. This will help you navigate sensitive topics and steer conversations toward healthier ground.

12. Allow Flexibility

Boundaries are guidelines, not rigid rules. There may be situations where you feel comfortable adjusting or temporarily relaxing a boundary, but this should always be based on conscious choice, not external pressure. Recognize when flexibility is appropriate, but also when it’s time to stand firm.

13. Seek Support

Building and maintaining boundaries can be challenging, especially if you face pushback from others. Seek support from trusted friends, mentors, or counselors who can help you uphold your boundaries and provide perspective during difficult times.

14. Practice Patience and Persistence

Establishing boundaries is a process that takes time and practice. Be patient with yourself as you learn and grow. Adjust your boundaries as needed and don’t be discouraged by setbacks. Boundary-setting is an ongoing skill that improves with continued reflection and effort.

15. Use Self-Reflection Exercises

Engage in journaling or other reflective exercises to reinforce your boundaries and check in on how well they’re serving you. These activities can highlight areas for improvement and offer insights into how you’re evolving in your boundary-setting journey.

These steps, based on reflective practices and clear communication strategies, can help individuals build and maintain healthy boundaries in various situations, ensuring they feel empowered, safe, and respected. As you continue this journey, remember that boundaries are about your well-being and should always align with your values.

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Building Community

Down for You: The Healing Power of Trust in Love

A gesture of trust: Love that supports and heals through patience and understanding.

Have you ever felt like love was just out of reach? Like your past trauma made it impossible to find someone who could truly understand and support you? You’re not alone. When we’ve been hurt, trusting again can feel impossible—but love, real love, has the power to heal those wounds. In their song “Trust,” Keyshia Cole and Monica sing about a love that can carry you through emotional baggage, one that says, “I know you’ve been through a lot, but I’m here to stay.”

But what does that kind of love look like? How do we know if someone in our lives is capable of loving us through our vulnerabilities, past pain, and the trust issues we carry with us? And how can we recognize a trauma-informed relationship—one that embraces emotional availability, secure attachment, and the willingness to engage in the hard work of emotional labor and co-regulation?

In this article, we’ll break down the key signs of a truly supportive and healing love, referencing expert insights from bell hooks, Esther Perel, and others. We’ll explore how “Trust” reflects the depth of emotional care needed for those of us still healing, and offer practical examples of what to look for in a partner who can be there for you—even when the going gets tough.

The Healing Power of Love: What Trust Teaches Us About Trauma-Informed Relationships

The opening lines of “Trust”—“Let me be the one who can take you from all the things you’ve seen”—speak directly to what it means to offer secure attachment in a relationship. For those of us who have been through trauma, the act of trusting again often feels overwhelming. But the love that Keyshia Cole and Monica sing about is rooted in patience, understanding, and a commitment to emotional safety.

A trauma-informed relationship is one where both partners recognize each other’s emotional wounds and navigate them with care. bell hooks, in All About Love, writes that “real love is a combination of trust, respect, care, and knowledge.” This kind of love is more than an emotion—it’s a practice of emotional labor and empathy that builds trust through everyday acts of care.

In the song, the lyrics “I know you’ve seen a lot of things in your life, got you feeling like this can’t be right. I won’t hurt you, I’m down for you baby” reflect a fundamental aspect of secure attachment—the ability to offer reassurance and safety in the face of doubt and fear. Love, in this context, is about staying, showing up, and being there when someone needs you most.

Understanding the Terms: Love as Emotional Labor and Co-Regulation

In order to truly understand how to build a relationship that supports healing from trauma, it’s essential to break down some of the key concepts that underpin this kind of love. When we talk about emotional labor and co-regulation, we’re referring to the ongoing effort of helping each other feel safe, stable, and emotionally balanced in the relationship.

Esther Perel, renowned for her work on relationships and intimacy, explains that emotional availability is critical in forming deep connections. In a trauma-informed relationship, your partner needs to be available not just physically, but emotionally, capable of providing empathy and understanding when you’re triggered or feeling vulnerable. This is a form of emotional labor—work that often goes unnoticed but is critical for building a foundation of trust.

Similarly, co-regulation refers to how partners help each other regulate their emotions during moments of stress or anxiety. Instead of escalating conflict, a loving partner will help you calm down, offering stability when your emotions feel overwhelming. In “Trust,” this is reflected in the line, “Let me show you love can be easy, if you just let it be.” It’s about creating an environment where healing doesn’t feel like an uphill battle, but rather a shared journey.

Recognizing a Supportive and Healing Partner

If you’ve experienced trauma or struggled with trusting others, it’s natural to be cautious when letting people into your life. But how can you tell when someone is truly a supportive, healing presence? Here are some key signs, rooted in expert literature, that someone is capable of loving you through your vulnerabilities:

  1. They Create an Emotionally Safe Space
    • A healing partner understands the importance of emotional safety. This means that you feel free to express your fears and insecurities without being judged. According to Esther Perel, intimacy is built when partners can be emotionally available and open, offering a secure base from which you can both grow.
    • In “Trust,” Keyshia and Monica echo this sentiment with, “I’ll give you everything that I’ve got,” emphasizing the importance of feeling safe enough to give your heart to someone fully.
  2. They Validate Your Emotions
    • One of the cornerstones of a secure attachment relationship is emotional validation. As Bessel van der Kolk writes in The Body Keeps the Score, trauma survivors need their feelings to be seen and acknowledged. A supportive partner will never dismiss your emotional experiences but instead will empathize with your pain and offer comfort.
    • The lyrics, “I know you’ve seen a lot of things in your life,” reflect a deep acknowledgment of your past and your emotional scars, creating space for healing.
  3. They Show Patience in Your Healing Journey
    • Healing is not a straight line, and a supportive partner understands that. In a trauma-informed relationship, your partner will be patient with your ups and downs, never pressuring you to “move on” or “get over it.” As bell hooks reminds us, real love is about showing up every day, even when it’s hard.
    • The repeated reassurance in “Trust,” “I won’t hurt you, I’m down for you baby,” embodies the kind of patience that is essential for a trauma survivor to heal in the context of love.
  4. They Engage in Emotional Labor
    • A partner who is committed to healing will engage in the emotional labor required to maintain the relationship. This means actively listening, offering reassurance, and doing the work of helping you feel safe. It’s not always easy, but it’s essential for fostering a bond built on trust.
    • The refrain in “Trust” captures this effort: “I trust you, I love you, I want you, I need you.” These words are more than declarations—they’re commitments to engage in the daily work of maintaining emotional connection.
  5. They Help You Regulate Your Emotions (Co-Regulation)
    • In moments of emotional overwhelm, a supportive partner will help you find balance. Co-regulation is about being there for each other when stress runs high, offering comfort and stability instead of escalating the situation.
    • The song’s chorus reflects this dynamic: “Trust, and I’ll give you everything that I got. And I won’t stop till you get it right.” It’s a promise of emotional support, a reminder that you don’t have to face your emotional storms alone.

Lessons from Social Media: The Viral Video That Echoes Trust

Recently, a viral video surfaced of a woman discussing how her husband taught her how to be a “relaxed woman” by shouldering some of her emotional and physical burden. Much like the lyrics of “Trust,” this story reinforces the idea that real love involves emotional labor, patience, and a shared willingness to create safety for each other.

This dynamic is also emphasized by Esther Perel, who often talks about the need for partners to engage in repair work—fixing emotional rifts when they occur. It’s not about never making mistakes; it’s about being committed to the healing process when things go wrong.

As bell hooks writes, love is not a static feeling—it’s a practice, a series of choices to show up for each other, especially when it’s hard.

Conclusion: You Deserve Love that Heals

If you’ve ever felt that you’re too broken to be loved, let “Trust” by Keyshia Cole and Monica remind you: you are worthy of love, even when you’re still healing. Real love is patient, it engages in the hard work of emotional labor and co-regulation, and it’s built on a foundation of secure attachment and empathy. It’s not about being perfect—it’s about being willing to heal together, with a partner who sees your worth, scars and all.

Love, as bell hooks says, “is an action, a participatory thing.” And when you find someone who can love you through your vulnerabilities, you find an incredible thing.

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Uncategorized

The Impact of Environment on Mental Health

Ever had a therapy session where it seemed like the therapist didn’t understand you? Maybe you’ve been dealing with mental health challenges for a while and have tried various therapies, only to hear the same advice repeatedly: Improve your boundaries or Just think positively. Many individuals experiencing mental health issues often feel that their care solely revolves around their personal choices or personality, disregarding the influence of their environment, relationships, or social concerns on their mental well-being. Consequently, they often feel isolated, blaming themselves for their struggles instead of recognizing them as normal responses to difficult life circumstances.

This focus on individual responsibility is common in U.S. mental health care, where treatment often follows advice from major organizations like the American Psychological Association. But psychology (the study of human thoughts, behaviors, and feelings) isn’t the only factor in mental health. While brain chemistry can be relevant in some cases—like with severe disorders such as schizophrenia—it’s rarely the only factor. Even when biology plays a role, something in the environment, like stress or trauma, often “triggers” the symptoms. This aligns with a concept introduced by Engel in his article “The Need for a New Medical Model: A Challenge for Biomedicine,” (1977). He argued that mental health care needs a new model—one that doesn’t just look at the individual but also considers the impact of social and environmental factors.

Understanding the Influence of Social Environments

In reality, a person’s social and physical environment is often a bigger factor in mental health than brain chemistry alone. In their book, A Sociology of Mental Health and Illness (5th ed.), Rogers and Pilgrim explore how external factors like family issues, work stress, and money problems can all impact a person’s mental well-being (2014). These sociologists (experts who study society and social behavior) argue that if we ignore these outside factors, any mental health care model risks being too simple and, honestly, not very effective.

The Biomedical Model’s Shortcomings

One major issue with mental health care today is the biomedical model, which sees mental health issues as isolated within the person, separate from outside influences. According to Barney in “Limitations of the Critique of the Medical Model,” this model falls short because it doesn’t consider how social factors—like relationships, social class, and work conditions—can create or worsen health problems (1994). This narrow focus often leads people to think their struggles are due to personal flaws, rather than recognizing how their environment impacts their mental health. When mental health care encourages people to blame themselves, they may end up feeling like something is inherently “wrong” with them, instead of seeing the bigger picture.

Individual Blame vs. Environmental Harm

Marina Morrow critiques the narrow focus of therapists who attribute problems in toxic environments, such as unhealthy relationships or stressful jobs, solely to individual shortcomings like a “lack of boundaries.” In her article, Critiquing the ‘Psychiatric Paradigm’ Revisited: Reflections on Feminist Interventions in Mental Health, she argues that this perspective overlooks the broader social and political factors affecting individuals, particularly those navigating issues of power or privilege, and fails to help clients recognize the toxic behavior surrounding them.

This perspective is problematic because it subtly shifts the blame onto the victim, implying they’re somehow responsible for the abuse they’re facing. Morrow points out that traditional therapy has often been shaped by a privileged perspective, which means it may not fully understand the experiences of people from marginalized (socially or economically disadvantaged) backgrounds. When therapy doesn’t take into account these external influences, clients may end up feeling like their suffering is their own fault because they’re “not good enough” at setting boundaries. However, most abusers don’t respect boundaries at all, so no matter how clear the victim is, it’s the abuser’s actions that are the problem.

The Role of Capitalism and Western Individualism

The values of capitalism (a system that prioritizes individual success and profit) and Western individualism (a focus on the individual rather than the group) only complicate this issue. Capitalism often suggests that everyone is responsible for their own success or failure, which feeds into the idea that everyone is solely responsible for their own mental health. Rogers and Pilgrim argue that this mindset overlooks structural inequalities, like income disparity and social class differences, creating a system where those at the top benefit from the struggles of those at the bottom. These issues can even show up in families and relationships, where traditional power imbalances often go unchallenged.

Morrow also critiques capitalism’s role in mental health care, especially through the pharmaceutical industry (the business of creating and selling medicine). This industry often promotes the idea that mental health issues come down to “chemical imbalances” or genes, which sidesteps the discussion of how harmful environments or social systems contribute to mental illness. By focusing only on biological factors, the industry depoliticizes mental health concerns—meaning it separates these issues from the societal structures that play a big role in causing them.

Reframing Boundaries and Victim-Blaming

Consider how damaging it is to tell someone in an abusive relationship that they “should have set better boundaries.” Abuse is ultimately about the choices and actions of the abuser, not the response of the person being abused. Rogers and Pilgrim emphasize that mental health issues are often symptoms of bigger social and relationship dynamics. So even if the person had set boundaries, that wouldn’t guarantee safety, because abusers, by nature, don’t respect boundaries. Focusing on the victim’s supposed flaws takes the blame off the abuser and reinforces a cycle where the victim ends up blaming themselves.

For people stuck in toxic relationships, workplaces, or family dynamics, the primary solution is often to leave the situation. But that can be incredibly hard, due to financial limits, social pressure, and practical challenges. Engel argued for a model that recognizes these social barriers to health. Telling someone to simply “stand up for themselves” or “be more assertive” isn’t just unhelpful—it can actually make them feel worse. Therapy should remind people that their self-worth isn’t dependent on their ability to “fix” a toxic environment, nor should they feel they have to shoulder the blame for harmful actions they didn’t cause.

Practical Tips for Reclaiming Self-Worth and Building a Path to Safety

Recognizing that mental health is shaped by more than just individual responsibility can be empowering, especially for those who have been made to feel at fault for circumstances beyond their control. By acknowledging the role of social and environmental factors, we can begin to understand our struggles with more compassion and clarity. But this awareness is only part of the journey. For those who find themselves in challenging situations—whether in toxic relationships, oppressive work environments, or difficult family dynamics—knowing how to separate self-worth from external harm and plan for safety is essential. The following tips offer practical ways to navigate these situations, reminding us that no one is bound by their current circumstances, and that there are steps to create a safer, more supportive path forward.

1. Shift the Blame: Separate Yourself from the Problem
  • Remind Yourself: Harmful situations aren’t your fault. Your worth isn’t defined by others’ actions.
  • Recognize What’s Yours and What’s Not: Reflect on what you are and aren’t responsible for; others’ behaviors are not within your control.
2. Find Support and Validate Your Strengths
  • Connect with Safe People: Trusted friends, family, or support groups can help you see the bigger picture and feel less isolated.
  • Remember Your Positive Qualities: List strengths others appreciate about you, and revisit them when feeling stuck.
3. Create a Basic Safety Plan
  • Prepare Essentials: Keep copies of important documents in a safe spot. Set aside emergency funds if possible.
  • Arrange Emergency Communication: Set a code word with a trusted contact for help, if necessary.
4. Practice Small Boundaries
  • Start Small: Practice saying “no” or setting limits in non-threatening situations to build confidence. For example, politely decline an invitation to a casual event you don’t want to attend, or tell a colleague you can’t take on an extra task this week. These small steps will help you become more comfortable setting boundaries in bigger situations over time.
  • Take It Gradually: Boundary-setting is a process. Each small step strengthens your self-worth.
5. Build a Life Beyond the Harmful Situation
  • Engage in Enjoyable Activities: Create a fulfilling “outside world” through hobbies, friends, or new skills. This could be taking up a new hobby like painting, joining a fitness class, or reconnecting with friends who support and uplift you. These activities provide emotional relief and remind you that there is more to life than the harmful situation you’re in.
  • Envision a Positive Future: Visualize a life of freedom and safety, and remind yourself it’s possible. You can envision your ideal life by creating a small vision board or journaling about a future where you’re free from harm and surrounded by positive people. This reminder can help you keep moving forward, even on hard days.

Reframing Self-Worth: Healing Without Reinforcing Individualism

True healing requires looking beyond individual-centered approaches and recognizing the ways that relationships, social expectations, and environmental factors impact mental health. Everyone deserves respect, safety, and support, regardless of how assertive or “strong” they are. A supportive approach to mental health should reassure people that their value isn’t dependent on how well they meet society’s standards of resilience.

When mental health care focuses too much on individual responsibility, it can leave people feeling stuck in toxic situations, thinking they must change themselves to escape. But well-being doesn’t come from internalizing blame; it comes from understanding how harmful environments affect us and creating conditions that allow real change to happen. As Engel put it, we need a new model—one that blends individual, relational, and societal views for a truly balanced approach to mental health.